My biggest Dilemma

Is it my fault that I’m family oriented? That I always put the interest of my child/family first?

Because I always put family first,I’m torn between two options:

A. Traveling to Qatar to join my husband because he works there now

B.Stay in my country with my mom

I know you might be thinking,this is too easy, go with your husband!

but no,let me explain to you-if you’re interested to know-

My parents got divorced 8 years ago,and now my mom lives with my bro.I got married and moved to a new house of course,but we see each other almost everyday.Mom didnt get married after that and preffered to stay with us and spend the rest of her life “free” as she puts it. She had the option of getting married again but she refused it,she didn’t want to put more psychological pressure on us because my dad also got married again , and I wasn’t the least happy,it was hell for me. so she didnt wanna make it worse,in other words,she sacrificed a  lot for our sake.

Now she’s so deeply attached to my little boy Ziad who is 2 years old,she raised him with me if i might say. I cannot imagine leaving her and travelling to another country,I fear that she’ll be lonely or sad..I know my mom is a very strong person and she will never admit that,but she did a lot for me,the least I can do is to pay her back by being with her and attending to all her needs.I want to be there for her whenever she needed me,Which I wont be able to do when I am abroad..BUT,

On the other hand,The school system in Egypt is a wreck.Tution fees of good schools is sky rocketing,Which my husband won’t able to afforfd if he worked here because his salary wasnt that big. So,we always wanted the best for our child,and that’s the main reason why my husband claims he wants to travel for.

So,Being there for my mom and not leaving Egypt…or travelling so that my son can attend a better school? I cannot decide on anything,This is so messed up for me.

 

A Letter to my baby

 

I did,am and willing to endure so much for your sake….

I might even sacrifice my happiness for your sake because ,in another sense,your happiness is my happines too…

I couldn’t verbalize how I felt when I first saw you,I was in a dream and I couldn’t believe my eyes…

I always talk to you in your sleep,I tell you everything I cannot tell the world. I day dream about you when you grow up and ask me for money so you can go out with your friends…or when I will yell at you for not studying…

It is my main concern to raise you as a happy,confident and healthy child,I owe you so much and you don’t even know it!

I am happy with all the changes you’ve brought into my life…Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so that I can switch to the day you were born and re-live it once more…Too bad I was in such a bad health condition that I couldn’t enjoy your very first days at home..But I remember the first time you looked at me in the eye when you were just two days old,my heart sank,and I couldn’t utter a single word..I just stared at you in utter amazement for your cuteness and how tiny you were,I kissed you and hugged you like a zillion times that day.

Now that you’re almost two years old,I want to tell you,that your smile is indeed,the world to me.

When you hug me,my heart sinks again and suddenly the world is a happy and peaceful. That life is like a  flower or something like that.

Ziad ,I am addicted to you,you are my drug.

 

 

Get Over Marital crap,Get busy

Lots of married young women,and older women complain that their husband is emotionally unavailable. I know,it’s depressing. That cliché’ about the pre marital spark that goes off by time,routine takes over,and your life seems too boring and you may even be so depressed ,that you perceive it as a pile of shit.

This wasn’t what you had in mind when you said I do to this guy.He might have been honest when he promised you a life time of happiness, but something always goes wrong. Maybe in the upcoming lines we’ll know what it is.

Pregnancy comes with a package of hormonal imbalances and mood swings.Women can relate to that because these symptoms are pretty much like the menstruation phase. I don’t think a guy in the 21st century hasn’t heard of “mood swings” and all the hormonal crap the media talks about. But why do men seem that cold?

It gets a bit worse towards the end of pregnancy. Because you become larger, you suffer from abdominal pains and leg cramps and,you go the bathroom way too much!! And that’s the worst part, if he takes you out to dinner,you’ll excuse yourself to got the restroom like 10 times.

But that’s not even the core of the issue. Some men, are “embarressed” to walk around with their expecting wives. Don’t ask me how they even allowed themselves to feel that way. Women have sensors,they can feel and read between the lines even if there are no spoken words. So if the husband notices that his wife looks a little gloomy suddenly,he might be the cause ,or the main cause along with other fears related to pregnancy and this life changing event.

Regardless of how hard the husband tries to persuade his wife that non of the crap inside her head is true, she trusts her instincts. Even if she wants to believe him.

So ,instead of lying around,bitching about how your life is lame and how bored or depressed you are, Get Busy. It is the truth universally acknowledged,that when you keep yourself occupied,your focus will shift away from all the negative thoughts that drain your energy and waste your time. Or at least it will help you focus  less on what you hate about your surroundings.

If you’re pregnant,and you are physically unable to work at the moment, your friends are all working now and got busy with their lives,you can come up with a bunch of ideas to keep yourself occupied:

a. Write a blog, if you like writing and expressing yourself that way, do it.

b.Read a nice book

C.Play vedio games

D. Arrannge for some friends to meet up every once in a while

E. Cook,that’s fun

F.Play some music ( if you know how to play the piano or the guitar )

G.Go baby shopping (Don’t do it all at once,buy a few things every day)

H.Watch friends or stand-up comedies

I.Start writing a birth plan,it’s very important to let your OB know what you really want.

J.Stare in the middle of no-where and do nothing

K. Take a bubble bath or go swimming

L.Go to the spa (have a nice massage,manicure/pedicure soak,or a Moroccan bath)

M.If you’re interested,start planning a baby shower,plan a theme,the type of food you’re gonna serve,etc.

I got bored with listing things. You can do whatever you like to keep yourself happy and entertained. Be your own wind keeper ( A book mentioned in friends sitcom). If your husband is emotionally unavailable,inattentive to your needs or fears & shares nothing with you… its heart breaking. But not the end of the world.

Make him pay for it in your own special way. Some men need to step up and face their responsibilities,the hard way.

If having a civilised discussion or a fight,or ignoring him all together doesn’t help, Prove to him that you have other things to do in life other than thinking about him.

You owe yourself some happiness and satisfaction, think about all the women who got knocked-up by their boyfriends and had to face all the pregnancy phases all alone. Just thinking that there are others who suffer from stuff a lot worse than yours,can help you see things in a more realistic manner.

That’s why marriage is hard,you can’t expect your husband to be prince charming all the time. Hey,you’re not perfect either! Patience and perseverance is needed.

This isn’t a call for women to surrender and give up on their dream of having the life they dreamed of. In fact, I think it can be a practical solution to save your sanity,if you lose your sanity and become insane,you’re marriage is doomed to faliure.

Because sure as hell there can be good qualities about your guy,he can’t be all terrible (unless he’s troubled or has communication issues).You should always remind yourself that you’re living on mother earth,not your fantasy land. So your effort can be divided into entertaining yourself whichever way possible,and trying to

And know this, No bad deed ever goes unpunished.

Hesitation

 

Hesitation

 

The biggest problem that I have in my personality, is hesitation!

I cannot count the several times I spend in a shopping mall for instance,comparing 1 or more items.

-Should I or shouldn’t I buy?

-Wouldn’t I be too stupid to spend all that money on a pair of jeans?

-But I like it so much!

-Ok then maybe I should look somewhere else,

-But no, am getting tired and it’s getting late and I may not find that kind of jeans again ,

-But if I spend all that money I wouldn’t be able to buy anything else…

What the hell is that? This is a typical monologue that goes inside my mind on each shopping excursion that I make. Horrible isn’t it? Look at the infinite number of  ”ifs” and “buts” in one sentence,I find myself really boring to be honest.

So that leaves me tired,bored,not completely satisfied with what I bought, I feel like I have some unfinished buisness that I have to get done,but you know,Whateverrr..

My hesitation isn’t  just limited  on shopping, It’s in my everyday activities. What should I have for dinner? Roast chicken with herbs or macaroni and cheese? or both???

I drive myself mad because my mind just won’t rest for a seconed.

I might need therapy for that you know

I’ll post more about that when I do enough research about it

Share if you have the same problem as mine, see ya

 

 

To anyone who reads my blog

My son just turned 1-year-old today. That’s right.I have a gorgeous angel named “Ziad” who was born on this very day,a year ago,at noon.

I know that’s not a good reason for me to stop writing,but believe it or not,I lacked inspiration…

It’s not that am a terrific writer or anything,but if you take a look at my earlier posts,you’ll find a common thread between all of them. I’m intrigued ,annoyed or impressed by a certain issue . Having a baby was far more than any feeling I ever felt.

I tried to translate my feelings into words but couldn’t. How I felt when I first saw him,how my life went upside down the minute he came to the house,how tired and sleepless I used to be..you know the story with first time moms. Lucky me I had my gorgeous mom with me all the time. She helped me with every single thing my baby needed. God bless her.

Now that my baby has finally developed a nice and bearable sleeping schedule..my life just got a little bit easier .

 

One of the many blessings that came along with my son’s arrival,is that my relationship with my Dad has finally been fixed. We stayed for about a year with no connection whatsoever,no reason to state why now. The most important thing is,we’re back on track. I thank God for this, and then my brother. I remember correctly that he was so eager that my dad and I patch things up because… we both felt devastated that Ziad never saw his grandpa . I so badly wanted this to happen but I couldn’t approach him. My bro helped me a great deal.

There’s only one little bump on this beautiful road until now. Ziad’s father,isn’t really connected to him the way that I want to. Some say that fatherhood develops a little late in men,unlike women who were born “moms” … I’ll talk about that later.

All in all, I’m blessed and more than thankful for this wonderful gift named Ziad. I love you and I will always be there for you. You are my hope,and my sunshine,you’re my everything…My Boy

 

Happy Anniversary!

To my blog actually,In case you’re wondering.

Today marks a whole year of blogging on WordPress,So I thought it’s kind of a big deal. Since I’ve managed to start it in the first place,stick to writing to it and most importantly, I got to increase my traffic,get comments and build a not so bad foundation of readers!

I went though lots of phases, from strictly abiding to a writing schedule, to not caring that much to obsessing about my stats and checking them every two seconds,to obsessing about featured on Freshly Pressed,to realizing that I will not be featured,since all the featured posts are written by Americans who live in America,it’s all about the American culture,that’s what I see personally. And now, am in the wise stage. Which means, build a foundation of readers,keep interacting with others,and share!

It’s exciting, and I’ve learned a lot about blogging and interacting with total strangers in cyber space.When you speak your mind and heart out ,and write a sad blog post and you find total strangers telling you that they’ll pray for you and hope things work out for the best! It’s touching.

And when you find yourself in a good mood,and write a post about how you’re the master at doing nothing,and find others commenting that you’re funny. That’s uplifting!

And when you write a post about something a little controversial, and you go through an interesting debate with a bigot who happens to call you a bigot! Irony isn’t it?

So,since that blogging experience is kind of rewarding and very interesting,I started a new Arabic blog,in the interest of writing a little bit about politics and the escalating events going on in my country,Egypt.

Blogging is a blessing,I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

I hope one day when am a lot older,I’ll still keep writing here,maybe my kids and grand kids would like to see what their mom and grad ma used to write and think about. They might turn out to be my number one fans,who knows?!

 

 

 

 

If I Owned my own newspaper…

That  might be a possible dream,considering that I minored in Journalism during college. But that’s not the point.

The point is,I see lots of things in the newspapers I read everyday here in Egypt,That I disagree with or even hate. Such as:

1. Biased news pieces: Just because it’s an opposition newspaper doesn’t mean that they have to “frame” their pieces of information to serve their interest. It’s almost as if its unfair to shed some light on the positive steps our new government is taking along the bad steps that they disapprove of. In other words,Lack of objectivity.

1. Posting graphic images:That’s what I hate the most! Specially when they post it right on the front page! So it’s the first thing you see in the morning. They do have a point you know,they wanna make your day,in their very special way.It’s completely immoral and unethical for many reasons. Because first,they should give a warning,which means that if they had to print such an image,they should place it elsewhere,but definitely not the front page. Because ,some people (myself included) are sensitive when it comes to seeing graphic photoes.There’s even a type of phobia to dead corpses called Necrophobia. So I guess they should be more attentive to that aspect. Plus,Children might also be susceptible to this kind of fear. The Second reason is that,it’s a violation of the sanctity of death. Enough said. I don’t care if that dead person is a terrorist,a martyr,a government official ,anything! Death is above everything else,I mean no one would like to have his death photo circulated all over the internet and print or broadcast media! Who would like that?? It is immoral to me. So if I had my newspaper,I will ban the appearance of such images all together.

I would just like to mention,that today,and for the zillion time,I was bombarded with a truly graphic image of dead boy,right at the homepage on my Facebook account. I’m subscribed to an online service of news flashes,minute by minute updates about the events happening in the region. Sometimes,they support those news flashes with images. That’s fine. But why did they post this horrifying image to us? I suppose not all people will find it horrifying. But still, What happened to the sanctity of death? This boy is supposed to be a martyr, A Syrian boy who was murdered by the dictator Bashar Al Assad in Syria.

If they meant to post it,in an attempt to let others sympathize with the Syrian case, Then I call it an emotional abuse.

By the way,The idea of this post was inspired by Chris Brogan ( a well-known blogger) who had posted ideas for others to blog about in his website.http://www.chrisbrogan.com/100-blog-topics-i-hope-you-write/, and by my experience and frustration by the things I see in the media.

Cheers

Rest In Peace MJ

Today marks the second death anniversary of Michael Jackson, The first thing that came to mind,is how his 3 children are coping now. It’s definitely better from the past two years,I believe that time is the best medication,or healer.

I was a fan of MJ ever since I was a little girl. I remember ,one of my cousins who was 7 years older than me,who used to listen to all of his songs and hang his posters on the wall,that’s how I got to know MJ in the first place.

I really liked his style and the way he moved and danced,and I was dying to imitate his moonwalk but to no avail,sadly. And I remained a fan ever since.I thought he was a “bad boy”, he had this song called Bad,and I believed he was bad…but I still liked this bad boy image,that didn’t harm my unlimited affection for him.

I went to London 2 months after his passing to attend a “Reporting and Television production”workshop at Reuters, and we were assigned to go to the streets,ask random people about what caught their interest most in today’s papers. A good portion of them stated Michael Jackson,the follow-up on his death case,what’s going to happen with the concert tickets that people had already bought and stuff like that. Many were really sad for his passing.

When I grew up a little,specifically in 1999 when he held his baby son “blanket” from the balcony, I remember all the ramble and gossip people started about him. To many,he seemed cynical in a way,or too extravagant. I’m not saying it was a wise thing for him to do,it’s not the best thing that he ever did,but the media shouldn’t have dealt so cruelly to him.

I mean,can these journalists really care that much about the little baby? it’s his dad who’s holding him,obviously he meant no harm! And no one,could have loved and cared for this little one as much as his dad. But that’s what the tabloids are for. All the gossip and ramble and mumble.

But this man,in spite of his somehow-weird behavior-he deserves to be respected. Between the years 1979 and 2003,the total amount of money that he donated to good causes was about 300 million dollars!

That’s a hell of a number..who would do that? That actually shows how humane and respectful that man was. He felt the pain of others and didn’t stand with his tail between his legs and did nothing about it! He’s proactive , and I respect that.

That got me thinking about one thing. All what’s left after death, is a memory. What matters most is what you leave behind ,because that’s how you will be remembered forever.

Fame,health,beauty,fortune all go away the minute the soul leaves the body. Actions are the only thing that accompany us in the land of eternity. And our memory is what lives among the others we leave behind.

“If you came into this world knowing that you’re loved,and left knowing the same,then everything in between can be dealt with” That was a quote he said when he was alive.

Parenting

I know how hard it is to raise a child, to give them all the tools of life to further aid them in their future lives,and help build their characters.

I find there is a thin line between “shaping” your child’s character to fit your expectations,and dicipelining them. Someone once told me that youngsters can so easily be adjusted to fit your expectations,it all depends on how you shape and sculpt and mode their lives.

Honestly,I can’t help but notice fatal mistakes adults commit when they raise their kids. Parenting isn’t just about teaching them to wash their hands after eating,or brushing their teeth before they go to bed,or having them wear slippers and not to walk around bare foot. Yeah that all sounds fine ,but I know a little girl,about 8 years old,who I think was a victim of ill-treatment and an ignorant parenting style. But first,here’s a brief intro of how I got to know her.

Her grandmother and us have been neighbours for some 20+ years now. Her grandmother is cool and nice, but she does have some irritating rules that repel kids. Let’s face it,if you want you’re grand kids to come and enjoy their stay,you have to allow and to expect some mess here and there. So ,these kids are not allowed to jump on the bed,have more than one candy bar and so on. I like kids very much,so I used to joke with her and be really nice to her,so she wanted to come over and visit me whenever she visited her grand ma. That was like 5 or 6 years ago when she was little. Years have passed,and still she likes to come over.But she doesn’t want to comprehend the fact,that she’s older now and can do everything on her own. And sure as hell you can’t treat and dazzle an 8 year old person like a toddler.But she expects that from me.

Let me tell how what I saw:

1.She NEVER uses the words Thank you or please. When she wants something,she orders you. Get me 7-up,cook me some chicken. As an example. Like,who the hell do you think I am? your butler?

2.Drops off uninvited,and if she finds you sleeping,she wakes you up. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you should never wake someone up like that? Needles to say,Dropping off uninvited may not be welcomed at all times.

3.Never knocks on the door: She once slammed the door open and my 21 year old brother was putting on his pants,then he found her yelling at him” turn on the AC for me!” He went all wild and furious with her,no wonder he likes her A LOT.

4.Too many orders: She doesn’t enjoy her stay at her grandma’s house that much because of all the restrictions, and you know,some kids are too needy and winy, they always demand things from you,Chips,soft drinks,chocolate and other sweets,and she’s not allowed to have that at her grandma’s house whenever she needed. So when she comes over,she expects and wants to be pampered and fully taken care of. Did this suddenly appear as my responsibility or something?

5.Her voice is too loud:I mean,it’s annoying! I’m gonna teach my kids to speak in an audible tone,not too loud  and not too damn low that you hear nothing.

All am saying is,a few simple ,yet hard to teach ;things, can either make you seem like a decent person,or otherwise. That’s why parenting is hard and scares the hell out of me.

Do Men Really Like “Bitches”?

Have you read that book called “Why men love bitches”? I did not. Because am not interested in those kinds of books anyways. It’s like in that movie,the Ugly Truth,when Mike Shadway (Gerard Butler) said”Millions and millions wasted on this bullshit,you wanna be  lonely then that’s fine,keep reading these stupid books”.

I had a friend on Facebook who posted that link ,about why men love bitches. This is like a short review of the book,as to why men are attracted to stronger women.I can say this can be understood as mere “generalizing” in categorizing men.

Do you think that men of all races think the same? Sure not. Hispanic men can be different from American ones,who can be different from Europeans,who can be different from Arabs ,who can be different from Asians!

How men were brought up in different geographical locations makes it hard to generalize and say that men prefer stronger women.

To illustrate my point, Arab men beg to differ, they always claim and hang on to this old proverb that : The strength of a woman,lies in her weakness. The more weak and vulnerable you are,the better you’re perceived.They tend to mock women with high aspirations,determination to reach their goals,and those who have opinions of their own and tend not to join the bandwagon.

While some of them claim that they’re different,that they do admire strong women,when the time comes for them to step up and propose,they chicken out and choose someone who can be easier for them to deal with.They might call stronger women as  high maintenance.

But I don’t want to be unfair,There are those who like their wives to be successful,push them to do better,and think that his wife’s success,is his success too. In other words,they’re not threatened,they’re secure with their masculinity. (But they are the minority in the Arab world).

Men are not identical duplicates from each other…

Their personalities are different

Their ethnic group says a lot about how they think and behave

Their history and upbringing determines their choices

Some men love strong women,some men love vulnerable and weak women. Why on earth would you bother yourself and try to fit into someone’s criteria of perfect?

You are who you are,regardless of how long you fake your inner strength. Nobody can live a lie forever you know. So instead of wasting all this time and energy,be yourself,act normally and don’t hide behind a fake mask that you’ve created. You might impress someone,when you don’t try to impress them in the first place.

That’s just how I think.