My deppressing post

If you don’t feel like reading a depressing post, just don’t. Because this is kind of nasty

It’s this time of the day for me when I feel like am carrying the world on my shoulders, I keep thinking and wondering about all kinds of different things that bother me, and I feel helpless and hopeless.

But then I think of God, if I am good enough, He will be there to help me. But I know that am not. I know I’ve done some horrible things lately that I couldn’t forgive myself for.

I thought I had a strong will power, but it turns out that I don’t know myself well.  You think of yourself in a way, but when hardships come across, you flip out and act like a jerk. That’s what’s happening to me now. Or maybe not. Maybe I feel low and angry,with a low self-esteem,because of the bad and negative influences around me.I need to breathe clean fresh air and go some place else. I will feel much better if am away from this place allegedly called “home”. it’s not a home anymore, more like a prison.

Although I have to say, I had a very strong will power in the past 2 years. It was easy for me to say NO, and I never regretted it. I never thought of the consequences even. But now, I think a lot before I can say no again to something that I don’t want. I don’t want to lose people, when I am always procrastinating and objecting, people hate me. So I tone down a little, and try to “go with the flow sometimes” so I don’t get hated. But this is not me.

I know that not everything I want in life is gonna happen, but it’s hard when you see yourself changing because of fear of hatred from other people, and you don’t like the new you. But the problem is that I don’t know how to balance between my new self and my old one.

I never felt as helpless and vulnerable as I do now. I know I have certain rights that I need to take, but I can’t seem to ask for them as I should have I don’t know why.  And I feel much worse when I remember that the only person that I can rely on is myself. I feel alone and the burden is all on me, nobody can help me. And no body is even qualified to. Not because all the people who I know are jerks,but because no body really bothers to think clearly and put themselves in my shoes. No body really understands.

Having support when you feel such vulnerability is crucial, it is when you offer to help others out of your kindness and pure heart, then you find others coming to help you as you did before. They may not be the same people you’ve helped before, but at the end, what matters is to find someone who cares and wants to make you feel better. It’s a give and take situation am not saying anything new here.

So that’s about it. Am almost done with this post that never seems to end. One more thing, I thought I was an evening person. Ironically the time of day when I feel such intense anxiety is about in the middle of the night. So how did I come up with I am an evening person thing? I really don’t know.

Everyone needs an outlet for their grief,,anxiety or any shitty feeling that they experience. that’s why I love blogging. not like Facebook when you can only type a short statues on your profile expressing something. here you can write as much as you like, and maybe someone will comment ,maybe someone will like your stupid post,maybe nobody will comment or like,but you’ve at least,written down what you felt at the moment and released some trapped feelings. PEACE OUT, Or whatever


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