Hesitation

 

Hesitation

Hesitation

 

The biggest problem that I have in my personality, is hesitation!

I cannot count the several times I spend in a shopping mall for instance,comparing 1 or more items.

-Should I or shouldn’t I buy?

-Wouldn’t I be too stupid to spend all that money on a pair of jeans?

-But I like it so much!

-Ok then maybe I should look somewhere else,

-But no, am getting tired and it’s getting late and I may not find that kind of jeans again ,

-But if I spend all that money I wouldn’t be able to buy anything else…

What the hell is that? This is a typical monologue that goes inside my mind on each shopping excursion that I make. Horrible isn’t it? Look at the infinite number of  “ifs” and “buts” in one sentence,I find myself really boring to be honest.

So that leaves me tired,bored,not completely satisfied with what I bought, I feel like I have some unfinished buisness that I have to get done,but you know,Whateverrr..

My hesitation isn’t  just limited  on shopping, It’s in my everyday activities. What should I have for dinner? Roast chicken with herbs or macaroni and cheese? or both???

I drive myself mad because my mind just won’t rest for a seconed.

I might need therapy for that you know

I’ll post more about that when I do enough research about it

Share if you have the same problem as mine, see ya

 

 

To anyone who reads my blog

My son just turned 1-year-old today. That’s right.I have a gorgeous angel named “Ziad” who was born on this very day,a year ago,at noon.

I know that’s not a good reason for me to stop writing,but believe it or not,I lacked inspiration…

It’s not that am a terrific writer or anything,but if you take a look at my earlier posts,you’ll find a common thread between all of them. I’m intrigued ,annoyed or impressed by a certain issue . Having a baby was far more than any feeling I ever felt.

I tried to translate my feelings into words but couldn’t. How I felt when I first saw him,how my life went upside down the minute he came to the house,how tired and sleepless I used to be..you know the story with first time moms. Lucky me I had my gorgeous mom with me all the time. She helped me with every single thing my baby needed. God bless her.

Now that my baby has finally developed a nice and bearable sleeping schedule..my life just got a little bit easier .

 

One of the many blessings that came along with my son’s arrival,is that my relationship with my Dad has finally been fixed. We stayed for about a year with no connection whatsoever,no reason to state why now. The most important thing is,we’re back on track. I thank God for this, and then my brother. I remember correctly that he was so eager that my dad and I patch things up because… we both felt devastated that Ziad never saw his grandpa . I so badly wanted this to happen but I couldn’t approach him. My bro helped me a great deal.

There’s only one little bump on this beautiful road until now. Ziad’s father,isn’t really connected to him the way that I want to. Some say that fatherhood develops a little late in men,unlike women who were born “moms” … I’ll talk about that later.

All in all, I’m blessed and more than thankful for this wonderful gift named Ziad. I love you and I will always be there for you. You are my hope,and my sunshine,you’re my everything…My Boy

 

Happy Anniversary!

To my blog actually,In case you’re wondering.

Today marks a whole year of blogging on WordPress,So I thought it’s kind of a big deal. Since I’ve managed to start it in the first place,stick to writing to it and most importantly, I got to increase my traffic,get comments and build a not so bad foundation of readers!

I went though lots of phases, from strictly abiding to a writing schedule, to not caring that much to obsessing about my stats and checking them every two seconds,to obsessing about featured on Freshly Pressed,to realizing that I will not be featured,since all the featured posts are written by Americans who live in America,it’s all about the American culture,that’s what I see personally. And now, am in the wise stage. Which means, build a foundation of readers,keep interacting with others,and share!

It’s exciting, and I’ve learned a lot about blogging and interacting with total strangers in cyber space.When you speak your mind and heart out ,and write a sad blog post and you find total strangers telling you that they’ll pray for you and hope things work out for the best! It’s touching.

And when you find yourself in a good mood,and write a post about how you’re the master at doing nothing,and find others commenting that you’re funny. That’s uplifting!

And when you write a post about something a little controversial, and you go through an interesting debate with a bigot who happens to call you a bigot! Irony isn’t it?

So,since that blogging experience is kind of rewarding and very interesting,I started a new Arabic blog,in the interest of writing a little bit about politics and the escalating events going on in my country,Egypt.

Blogging is a blessing,I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

I hope one day when am a lot older,I’ll still keep writing here,maybe my kids and grand kids would like to see what their mom and grad ma used to write and think about. They might turn out to be my number one fans,who knows?!

 

 

 

 

If I Owned my own newspaper…

That  might be a possible dream,considering that I minored in Journalism during college. But that’s not the point.

The point is,I see lots of things in the newspapers I read everyday here in Egypt,That I disagree with or even hate. Such as:

  1. Biased news pieces: Just because it’s an opposition newspaper doesn’t mean that they have to “frame” their pieces of information to serve their interest. It’s almost as if its unfair to shed some light on the positive steps our new government is taking along the bad steps that they disapprove of. In other words,Lack of objectivity.
  1. Posting graphic images:That’s what I hate the most! Specially when they post it right on the front page! So it’s the first thing you see in the morning. They do have a point you know,they wanna make your day,in their very special way.It’s completely immoral and unethical for many reasons. Because first,they should give a warning,which means that if they had to print such an image,they should place it elsewhere,but definitely not the front page. Because ,some people (myself included) are sensitive when it comes to seeing graphic photoes.There’s even a type of phobia to dead corpses called Necrophobia. So I guess they should be more attentive to that aspect. Plus,Children might also be susceptible to this kind of fear. The Second reason is that,it’s a violation of the sanctity of death. Enough said. I don’t care if that dead person is a terrorist,a martyr,a government official ,anything! Death is above everything else,I mean no one would like to have his death photo circulated all over the internet and print or broadcast media! Who would like that?? It is immoral to me. So if I had my newspaper,I will ban the appearance of such images all together.
I would just like to mention,that today,and for the zillion time,I was bombarded with a truly graphic image of dead boy,right at the homepage on my Facebook account. I’m subscribed to an online service of news flashes,minute by minute updates about the events happening in the region. Sometimes,they support those news flashes with images. That’s fine. But why did they post this horrifying image to us? I suppose not all people will find it horrifying. But still, What happened to the sanctity of death? This boy is supposed to be a martyr, A Syrian boy who was murdered by the dictator Bashar Al Assad in Syria.
If they meant to post it,in an attempt to let others sympathize with the Syrian case, Then I call it an emotional abuse.
By the way,The idea of this post was inspired by Chris Brogan ( a well-known blogger) who had posted ideas for others to blog about in his website.http://www.chrisbrogan.com/100-blog-topics-i-hope-you-write/, and by my experience and frustration by the things I see in the media.
Cheers

Rest In Peace MJ

Today marks the second death anniversary of Michael Jackson, The first thing that came to mind,is how his 3 children are coping now. It’s definitely better from the past two years,I believe that time is the best medication,or healer.

I was a fan of MJ ever since I was a little girl. I remember ,one of my cousins who was 7 years older than me,who used to listen to all of his songs and hang his posters on the wall,that’s how I got to know MJ in the first place.

I really liked his style and the way he moved and danced,and I was dying to imitate his moonwalk but to no avail,sadly. And I remained a fan ever since.I thought he was a “bad boy”, he had this song called Bad,and I believed he was bad…but I still liked this bad boy image,that didn’t harm my unlimited affection for him.

I went to London 2 months after his passing to attend a “Reporting and Television production”workshop at Reuters, and we were assigned to go to the streets,ask random people about what caught their interest most in today’s papers. A good portion of them stated Michael Jackson,the follow-up on his death case,what’s going to happen with the concert tickets that people had already bought and stuff like that. Many were really sad for his passing.

When I grew up a little,specifically in 1999 when he held his baby son “blanket” from the balcony, I remember all the ramble and gossip people started about him. To many,he seemed cynical in a way,or too extravagant. I’m not saying it was a wise thing for him to do,it’s not the best thing that he ever did,but the media shouldn’t have dealt so cruelly to him.

I mean,can these journalists really care that much about the little baby? it’s his dad who’s holding him,obviously he meant no harm! And no one,could have loved and cared for this little one as much as his dad. But that’s what the tabloids are for. All the gossip and ramble and mumble.

But this man,in spite of his somehow-weird behavior-he deserves to be respected. Between the years 1979 and 2003,the total amount of money that he donated to good causes was about 300 million dollars!

That’s a hell of a number..who would do that? That actually shows how humane and respectful that man was. He felt the pain of others and didn’t stand with his tail between his legs and did nothing about it! He’s proactive , and I respect that.

That got me thinking about one thing. All what’s left after death, is a memory. What matters most is what you leave behind ,because that’s how you will be remembered forever.

Fame,health,beauty,fortune all go away the minute the soul leaves the body. Actions are the only thing that accompany us in the land of eternity. And our memory is what lives among the others we leave behind.

“If you came into this world knowing that you’re loved,and left knowing the same,then everything in between can be dealt with” That was a quote he said when he was alive.

Parenting

I know how hard it is to raise a child, to give them all the tools of life to further aid them in their future lives,and help build their characters.

I find there is a thin line between “shaping” your child’s character to fit your expectations,and dicipelining them. Someone once told me that youngsters can so easily be adjusted to fit your expectations,it all depends on how you shape and sculpt and mode their lives.

Honestly,I can’t help but notice fatal mistakes adults commit when they raise their kids. Parenting isn’t just about teaching them to wash their hands after eating,or brushing their teeth before they go to bed,or having them wear slippers and not to walk around bare foot. Yeah that all sounds fine ,but I know a little girl,about 8 years old,who I think was a victim of ill-treatment and an ignorant parenting style. But first,here’s a brief intro of how I got to know her.

Her grandmother and us have been neighbours for some 20+ years now. Her grandmother is cool and nice, but she does have some irritating rules that repel kids. Let’s face it,if you want you’re grand kids to come and enjoy their stay,you have to allow and to expect some mess here and there. So ,these kids are not allowed to jump on the bed,have more than one candy bar and so on. I like kids very much,so I used to joke with her and be really nice to her,so she wanted to come over and visit me whenever she visited her grand ma. That was like 5 or 6 years ago when she was little. Years have passed,and still she likes to come over.But she doesn’t want to comprehend the fact,that she’s older now and can do everything on her own. And sure as hell you can’t treat and dazzle an 8 year old person like a toddler.But she expects that from me.

Let me tell how what I saw:

1.She NEVER uses the words Thank you or please. When she wants something,she orders you. Get me 7-up,cook me some chicken. As an example. Like,who the hell do you think I am? your butler?

2.Drops off uninvited,and if she finds you sleeping,she wakes you up. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you should never wake someone up like that? Needles to say,Dropping off uninvited may not be welcomed at all times.

3.Never knocks on the door: She once slammed the door open and my 21 year old brother was putting on his pants,then he found her yelling at him” turn on the AC for me!” He went all wild and furious with her,no wonder he likes her A LOT.

4.Too many orders: She doesn’t enjoy her stay at her grandma’s house that much because of all the restrictions, and you know,some kids are too needy and winy, they always demand things from you,Chips,soft drinks,chocolate and other sweets,and she’s not allowed to have that at her grandma’s house whenever she needed. So when she comes over,she expects and wants to be pampered and fully taken care of. Did this suddenly appear as my responsibility or something?

5.Her voice is too loud:I mean,it’s annoying! I’m gonna teach my kids to speak in an audible tone,not too loud  and not too damn low that you hear nothing.

All am saying is,a few simple ,yet hard to teach ;things, can either make you seem like a decent person,or otherwise. That’s why parenting is hard and scares the hell out of me.

Do Men Really Like “Bitches”?

Have you read that book called “Why men love bitches”? I did not. Because am not interested in those kinds of books anyways. It’s like in that movie,the Ugly Truth,when Mike Shadway (Gerard Butler) said”Millions and millions wasted on this bullshit,you wanna be  lonely then that’s fine,keep reading these stupid books”.

I had a friend on Facebook who posted that link ,about why men love bitches. This is like a short review of the book,as to why men are attracted to stronger women.I can say this can be understood as mere “generalizing” in categorizing men.

Do you think that men of all races think the same? Sure not. Hispanic men can be different from American ones,who can be different from Europeans,who can be different from Arabs ,who can be different from Asians!

How men were brought up in different geographical locations makes it hard to generalize and say that men prefer stronger women.

To illustrate my point, Arab men beg to differ, they always claim and hang on to this old proverb that : The strength of a woman,lies in her weakness. The more weak and vulnerable you are,the better you’re perceived.They tend to mock women with high aspirations,determination to reach their goals,and those who have opinions of their own and tend not to join the bandwagon.

While some of them claim that they’re different,that they do admire strong women,when the time comes for them to step up and propose,they chicken out and choose someone who can be easier for them to deal with.They might call stronger women as  high maintenance.

But I don’t want to be unfair,There are those who like their wives to be successful,push them to do better,and think that his wife’s success,is his success too. In other words,they’re not threatened,they’re secure with their masculinity. (But they are the minority in the Arab world).

Men are not identical duplicates from each other…

Their personalities are different

Their ethnic group says a lot about how they think and behave

Their history and upbringing determines their choices

Some men love strong women,some men love vulnerable and weak women. Why on earth would you bother yourself and try to fit into someone’s criteria of perfect?

You are who you are,regardless of how long you fake your inner strength. Nobody can live a lie forever you know. So instead of wasting all this time and energy,be yourself,act normally and don’t hide behind a fake mask that you’ve created. You might impress someone,when you don’t try to impress them in the first place.

That’s just how I think.

The Friendship Don’ts

As cliché as it is, it has been ongoing inside my mind for a while.Specially after I ended my friendship with someone I knew from college a couple of months ago.

To cut it short,I’ll tell you how can you ruin a friendship or let it deteriorate quickly (In my humble opinion):

A.Invade their privacy: Become too available,hunt them wherever they go,ask inappropriate questions,stop by their place uninvited.

B.Pointing out flaws: Whether it’s their choice for outfits,partner (for girls this could be like a deal-breaker,specially if she really loves and respects him),approach in parenting,hairstyle…etc the list is endless. There is a thin line between giving some kind advice,and pointing out flaws. C ‘ amon, even preaching has its rules!

C.Borrow money and never return it: Gosh I loathe that. The way someone can so easily ask for some money and just never gives it back,I don’t know it its intentional or they just forget it about it.It can be really annoying if you don’t have what it takes to ask for your money back. Am talking about a sum less that 50 LE or$$. But if it’s a lot more than that…Hell yeah,I’ll demand it,firmly. It’s just rude and irresponsible. When you ask for money you should make sure you can return it…right? I might also say that it’s the general idea of borrowing “stuff” and not returning them, such as a camera,a book,a DVD or just a purse(girls -only thing).

D.Brag about how rich you are: Who on earth can do this,and have any doubts that people might hate them afterwards?! How lame…Did I ask you how much your dad paid for his God damned car? Did I ask you how much money he has in his bank account? Did I ask you about how much you get for your allowance each month?! How can people think they can get away with this without being severely criticized? Or being thought of as snobbish and incredibly boring?! I’ll tell you one thing: The more you brag about that,the more I am dead sure that you suffered some terrible economic conditions in your childhood or had a very humble upbringing(I’m not saying that humble upbringings are bad or shameful,on the contrary,it is bad and shameful when you try to show off and prove to everyone that you’re richer than them,its pathetic and annoying). Drives people away…isn’t it?

E.The general idea of bragging and showing off: Wheather you brag about how clever you were in school,how many boys/girls wanted so badly to date you back then,how manage to know everything about everything,and everyone..aka Miss/Mr. Know it all type thing…sometimes when others take it too far,I begin to doubt if their whole story is even true!

F.Become a lazy ass: Enough said! Some folks just like to hang out more often,that requires that you can “easily” get your ass out of the house and meet them. They don’t wanna hear: Oh but my mom won’t allow me to (believe me,some 20+ human beings still do it), or ohh…that’s too far, can you come and pick me up? why can’t you take a taxi ? or even suggest that someone  meets you half way for instance?! If I come and pick you 2 or 3 or even 4 times,I won’t do it again…Hell am not your driver!!

That’s enough for now,there are tons of other stuff that you can do to repel others, intentionally or just by acting “normally” according to what’s normal to YOU. What’s normal to you is NOT normal to others! It would be just easier to stick to rules and etiquette for sustaining a friendship..isn’t it?

The New Facebook

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

Ever since I started using Facebook in 2007, just for sheer fun ,wasting time, and trailing my then “my only love”, it has been a true social networking site. Just a window that I can peak from and know all the gossip,who broke up with who,who’s teasing her boyfriend by posting new images of her with other guys…and the funny,sometimes interesting videos that my friends posted…

Not to mention the “interesting” sometimes, meaningless comments that we tended to post to each other now and then,and tagging very lame photos of each other and laughing our asses off. For me, Facebook has helped me re-connect with old school friends,those people who I thought will never see or hear their voices again,now we’re in touch and know a good deal about it each other,which is cool. To see that shy girl who used to sit at the very back at the classroom,now acting very baldly,skimpy dresses on,many boyfriends. Funny how people change you know.

But that’s not the point of this post,that was an introduction to the reality of Facebook before January 25th (The Egyptian Revolution). It’s true that many youth used FB platform to voice their opinions and organize events,political events I mean.But again,those events weren’t on the front line ,they were among other events and stuff,nothing really special about them so far,but our ex- government used to survail  all of that and would cross the line sometimes and detain young men and women for posting any anti-government comment or event.

So in turn,Many FB users refrained from posting,liking or even commenting or sharing any political links,events,notes done by others or any of that;passive internet users to cut it short.

During our revolution,that gap of fear and passiveness among youth has drastically changed, people weren’t scared of posting statuses  like “To hell with Mubarak” and other statuses  condemning the terroristic acts done by the government.

It’s like we didn’t care anymore if these statuses were surveiled or not, as if we had that gut feeling that Mubarak is leaving, taking with him all the past 30 years of oppression injustice and cruelty … Because the number of protestors were escalating by the day and nothing seemed to stop them . Not the rubber bullets,or regular bullets,or heavy beating,or even being detained and sent to nowhere like what happened with millions who dared to oppose Mubarak and his clan.

Many,if not most of the people became suddenly interssted in politics. they started sharing online news articles from various all-news websites ,others commented,others re-shared,others wrote their own notes about what they think should happen or what they predict would happen. every one seemed to be connected again,engaging in real meaningful online discussions ,it was that sense of liberation or something that I cannot describe.

A group of egyptian young people started their own online news broadcast,which quickly became very popular within a few days,they posted a minute by minute news flashes,they had their own team of reporters and photographers who worked hard to get these news items on time,and safe to say,most of them were accurate.

Ever since the revolution broke out,my news feed now has nothing but news,follow up news with what’s going on in Egypt specifically and the region in general. People have nothing to talk about except politcs  now!

I can hardly find in my news feed the regular stuff that I used to see before,tagged images of other friends, the famous”I’m bored” statues and stuff like that.

There’s this new facility in Fb now which is the “Question” facility,where you pose a question and provide 3 possible answers and let your friends answer them. Let me tell you,99% of what I see are all politics- related…

Is that a phase that will cease to exist at some point? Or is that the new Facebook in Egypt that will never go back to its original state?

I understand that what happened was a major thing ,which doesn’t occur everyday, I like to compare it to an earthquake,and we’re in the aftershock phase now. That this social mobility is one normal consequence for that revolution. It may last for quite sometime,God has the answer to that!

Peace out

Marriage

“Marriage is hard. I don’t know how do people do this,It’s unnatural,men and women,are not meant to co-exist”. I am gonna side with Ashton Kutcher on this one.Just a bit.

Just today I was thinking,what the hell did I do to myself? Why the hell did I get married?! My fairytale dreams of post marital life are gone,they’re replaced with more realistic ones and discovering new things,about my hubby and myself.

Six months have passed since we said “I do”, I can say whole heartedly,I only felt like a married couple t for about a month or so,the remaining months were at my mom’s house. Reasons are plenty..

First,My appartement is located in a place that is mostly under-construction, So there isn’t enough security around the place,No neighbours yet,cause the building is still new,and no super intent.Not to mention,It’s really scary to live in the desert!

Second,As you’ve heard of the Egyptian Revolution that broke out on January 25th of this year,and the withdrawal of security forces from the streets,and the release of dangerous prisoners,It was clear that staying in a poorly inhibited mansion would be a crises. It was dangerous ,so again ,we went to my mom’s house.

Oddly enough,that decision to leave our house and live with my mom and brother for a while was a mistake. It made me realise the importance of what I call “the quality-alone time” for both of us. Its not that my mom and brother don’t give us a fair amount of privacy or anything,but knowing that we’re living among other people,in a place that isn’t ours,drifted us away for some time.

I noticed that my husband isn’t attached to me anymore,or the house,ultimately. He started spending more time with his friends ,to the extent that I thought he was a bachelor again. Frankly I didn’t think for an instant that living some place else can place such damage,my mom always said that we should live together alone like a husband and a wife,but she also said that its we have no other choice now,I can’t live there in the desert all by myself till my husband comes back from work.Burgulars and other prisoners were out loose in the streets,and several accidents have been reported of them breaking in houses and stealing,some rape crimes were also reported, It was a mess!

I also became distant from him,I barely saw him.His time was divided between protecting the street among other residents,working and sleeping. the thing is,during the time he used to spend guarding the street at night,he was accompanied by his neighbours and friends,so It was a  fun time for his as well,he got to spend more time with them.It was a bad time for us indeed,The revolution took its toll on us! But I don’t blame it,I mean I’m thankful for God that this has finally happened.

That incident opened my mind to something.Couples should “train” each other to be more indulgent and commited.It’s easy to feel not committed when you’ve got no children or bills to pay. Yes,we paid no bills during our stay at mom’s house,and we don’t have children yet,no schools to attend,nothing! So it was like we’re married but not functioning as a couple.Weird.

I took the matter for granted,thinking I’d be too stupid to stop my husband from seeing his friends or spending time with them,I made it seem like it was no big deal to me, and that its was rightful for him to have this need to spend time with them joking around and talking nonsense. I took it too far,and so did he.

Little by little we distanced ourselves from each other,untill that moment came,we had a terrible huge fight,he left mom’s house,and I left it too,I went to our house as a couple and I stayed there all alone thinking he wouldn’t come cause we had a terrible fight,and I didn’t tell him that I was heading off to our house. He took some time to blow off his steam and he came. We decided to live together at this house no matter what,we finally realised how important it was and what we have missed all these months by not connecting and engaging in each other’s lives. It made me happier than ever,I felt like a real wife now who has responsibilities and things to look after.

So that is something that young married couple should look for,spend more quality time with each other alone,do something fun and interesting together.Because seriously,Not spending enough time for any reason comes with an awful package of trouble and a sense of loneliness for both of you.Something you surely don’t wanna experience.

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